Festivities!

Fuhhhh!!!!

December has been Go, go, go! And now that it's Christmas eve, I would like to wish my fellow readers:

Merry Christmas! All the best in the year to come!

So... what have I been up to?

Lets see. If it's the holidays, and a great festival is round the corner, plus a new semester lurking nearby, what should I do? Shopping, DUH! Hey... all b'cos I'm a guy doesn't mean I cant shop....

Lets see what I got: Plain old supplies for the new semester, Presents for dad, mum and sis... and.... Myself!

(No, I'm not joking)

Yep, I got another new yoyo waiting under the tree waiting to be handled with 'care'. Note the inverted commas. :)
Where did I get it? Some out there might be wondering. Actually there was ANOTHER event besides the Comic Fest in KL. That event was (Quote from a friend from Kuching, Sarawak): The Holy Grail of Malaysian Yoyo Players, MYYC 2010! The national championships we've been anticipating all year! And as fate would have it, my sis called me while I was there and said: 'Hey, grab anything you want for Christmas 'cos I don't know what you want'. Budget RM100. Well I managed to negotiate and got away with RM120. (Actually I got it to RM140, but I changed my mind on what yoyo I wanted. WOW. Can't wait. haha....

Now I'm getting ready for dinner. Typically my family have three end year dinners, i.e, Christmas eve, Christmas Day, and New Year's Eve/Day, and  I'm starting to get hungry rite now, so I guess I'd better be going...

Chiao! Don't overeat! :D:D

~Drownrat~
`

Sinking in, finally:0

Hey all!

It took a looonnngg time, but it looks like reality is starting to sink into my pitiful little mind. The reality that says it is December. Some guys out there (Okay, almost all) will be like: 'What?! How can ANYONE forget December?!' Well I'm not quite the Average Joe.... But I'm not alone. AND, at least I still know what day is everyday. I;m obviously referring to someone.. hahaha... You know who you are:)

The Christmas tree is finally up. That is to say, the tree and tree ONLY. Decorations later. I'm taking a breather from the housework (I pity my dad, he has to fill up the vacancy) while the other half of the labour workforce (a.k.a. mom and sis) are at some church event (Parish pastoral assembly, for the sake of my fellow Catholics). I was supposed to go, but my mum told me at 12 pm to stay and clean. Another case of fickle-mindedness. Yes, that's right. Last night she was literally gonna drag me there if I said no. Now look again. Bleh...

As a final note:

Is anyone around Klang willing to go round gallivanting?

'Shout all you want dude. You can't overpower the noise of the world.'

I'd never know unless I try, aite? So I'll end this update here. My hand is killing me... Chiao!

~William~

Bored...

Hi again! It's currently one week into my sem break and....

I'm rotting!!!

Not literally of course. But it's the same old 'nothing to do' situation. I eat, sleep, online, and occasionally, housework, excercise, but... that's it. And it's only the first week! Many other fellow students can most likely share my experience, but maybe not to this extent. I'm stuck at home! Again, as usual. Family outings don't count. Wait a second. I mean when my dad takes me around town. Haven't gone out as a family, YET.

How life plays you out. Hostel was a nice diversion from actual 'life here in my home'. Where the family each lives their own lives yet expect too much out of each other. In the end, everyone goes their own way while those left at home are those who have nothing to do, nowhere to go, or nobody to go to. My dad is 70, so it isn't really surprising that he's home all day. In my case, it's... weird? (is there a more appropriate word?)

Just four more weeks to go... things will change then, I'm 100% sure. Because it's Christmas! The workload is enough to keep anyone busy. :) Then I will be going 2 Penang! huhu... Oh, I forgot the Malaysian Yo-Yo competition (MYYC) on the 18-19th December! I won't be joining, k?? lolz....

Well, four more weeks!! I'm gonna start a countdown! XD

~Drownrat~

Green green grass of home:)

Hi, it's me reporting from Taman Berkeley, Klang. Yup, I'm home for the rest of the year. So let's sum up what was my first semester in university. And in a hostel.

First is the 'university experience'. Different atmosphere, people, absence of uniforms, etc. etc. Next up is living with 5 equally 'crazy' people which are total strangers. Add the hassle of course registration and an extremely hard-to-reach faculty admin center, and you get months of adrenaline flow. Oh, and the DotA and CS sessions until 5 in the morning. :)

But the taste of having more freedom than usual is refreshing . At least I can get something done without someone stalking my back over something which I have already accomplished. If no-one thinks that you're not getting things done, it's better to go solo, yeah? Well it's not like I can't exert self-control on my spending or things like that, so yeah. It opens up more doors for me to enter. And escape. haha.

I was a 'unknown horticulture student' in quite a few ways, because I was a late register and messed up my study scheme, and thus even some of my fellow course mates didn't even know me. huhuhu... In fact I'm spending more time with my room mates course mates (confusing, I know). What the.... Heck? Next year will be different, I hope.

In any case as of now I'm in a dilemma of sorts. Should I take up a part-time job or play the domestic assistant? The former will be a bit hard to manage since I have a few events lined up, and the latter will most probably disable me, or leave me to rot. But since opinion can only be given when asked... I most probably will have to play along with whatever the council says. Bleh....

And hey! I got a new friend! Wanna know who he is? Look below---->

Presenting a New Breed by Yoyojam! Yeah, something new to practice on! The wide gap initially seemed abit intimidating to me (at 5.20mm, it's wider than the bearing itself. wow). But after I tried it, It wasn't half as bad. Instead, it did much better! Exceeds expectations, I'd say. Gonna keep myself busy with this guy. :)

I apologize as this blog is very devoid of pics, I only have my camera phone as of now. I don't usually take pics as my memory itself is photographic in many instances, and I usually get carried away in the moment. hmm....

So I'm still looking ahead and wondering, what am I gonna do? Only one way to find out, right? Wait for it to come! I'll be signing off here, and oh, one more thing:

Good luck to everyone sitting for the SPM and STPM exams! You can do it!


That's all for now, folks. Bye!

~WTTWDaGreat~

FREEDOM!!!!

Yes! Freedom!!! You heard that right! Miss me??!! *jumps around like a kid with a pogo stick*

Alright.... cool down. Yeah. Ok I think I'm calm. Fuhhh.....

But exams over, so yeah, I'm free!! Until the next time I'm colonized by Mr. Final Exam.... So... What's next? I'm kinda gonna be hanging round the campus till the end of this week. It's a rather a long story how I arrived at that, considering my hometown's less than 50 km away. Damn my other roomie for not telling earlier. But I've said it, so I'll do it. A promise is still a promise. And I extra company is always welcome :).

Not much to say about exams, except that now I actually have people to join me in the 'no study' club. DotA and CS until 5 in the morning during exam period? That's what I call a blast. I currently have 5 people in my room including me, and two of 'em are imports a.k.a. people from other colleges (hostels here are called colleges, in case anyone forgot). And hey, while I'm busy updating, they're busy DotA-ing! Bah nvm. I'll b CS-ing later. My right hand is gonna start calling 999 soon.... If it can actually hold the phone... wahahahhaa....

So I guess I'm gonna move on to CS now eh? Keep the updated short and simple. This blog is almost purely text. Boooorrrriiiiiinnnngggg..... Well juz wait till I get a better internet connection.

Fat chance, dude...


Hey, it isn't wrong to dream, is it? Lolz...

And I'm thinking, once I'm back home, almost everyone dear to me is staring their exams in the face. Laugh or cry? You be the judge. But hey, who said life is fair...

CS is waiting for me, so I better get a move on.

See ya guys! (and gals!)

~William~

When the rain starts to fall....

No, its not raining here. And no, it isn't raining problems here. Well maybe a slight drizzle :)
But before I begin, wishing all my friends...

Happy Deepavali!

Now let's move on... Hey, study week is almost at the end. And nope, I can't seem to get the mood on... OMG....

Dude, isn't that so... er... you?

Huh? Oh yeah, it is. Trying to change for the better. Move forward, rite? But some things are halting progress. Not only in the aspect of studying but also in other 'errands and official business'. And some of roadblocks actually made me laugh.


For instance, I was supposed to go the welfare department do reapply for OKU allowance. Supposed to go on Monday, but dad was ill. Tuesday? Same story. My sis took the car on Wednesday. And today? Here's the best part. I woke up and realized...

I left my OKU card in Campus!!

I'm still laughing... hahaha... Epic fail...


But it's good to know that even though I can't meet any friends, and many are just not willing to call me along, as a former class mate or fellow churchgoer. I can't really remember how many events and parties etc. they've had and their fellow comrade here isn't even considered. And it's funny considering I'm much easier to reach than most others. But hey, at least I got a chatmate (or two) on FB every night. And at least one of them will actually 'start' the conversation. It's good to know that somebody out there recognizes your presence :)


And lastly...

I think I caught my dad's flu.... OMG......

Please go away.... before Saturday, can? Pretty please?

'No'

Ah... what the hell. I'm still on two feet...hehe

Let's finish this day.... lalalala


Chiao!

Home??

Hey, all, it's me reporting from Taman Berkeley, Klang! Why is it so quiet here, anyway?

'Psst.... It's exam period, u fool...'

Huh? Oh right. I've been out of school too long,  I guess.. *sniggers*

Well I'm on a one-week study break, so I'm gonna break from studying, rite??  Lolz....
As of this week, quite a bit of the accumulated problems are solved. Minus the stubborn little glitches that just refuse to be solved. bah...

But hey. I need a real good rest right now. I can't walk into the exam hall with a hand which can't write, eh? Don't worry. Internet usage will be cut down. I can't use a PC for too long, either.

I need to clear my mind too. I'm waiting for a friend to return on Friday. I miss my friends more than I do the town. After all, I don't have many, so it's not too much to ask, rite?

Well for my fellow students at UPM, good luck for your finals. I'm wishing in advance because this blog probably won't be updated again before Monday. So all the best.

I'm gonna do some housework now (same old, same old). A man's gotta earn his keep, eh?

'Dude, IT"S YOUR HOME!!!!'

Whatever. While I'm here, I've got to dig out time to rest. Good luck with that:)
 
So... I'll end here. One week to spend.

Chiao!

~drownrat~

Hey all, hows it goin?

I wish to start today's post by wishing my dear sister and father Happy Birthday! God bless you both.

Now back to the update. I realized I suck at creating titles for my posts.... So don't complain ya? Because there's nothing left on my mind.... lolz

Wow! these two weeks have been killer. I've skipped so many classes for a variety of reasons (exhaustion to assignments and maybe lazy tooXD). But at least I got  most assignments done, going to start work on the last one soon.... Yes, you heard me. SOON..... lolz. So what am I feeling now? For starters, I'm fatigued, stressed out, frustrated, and somehow kinda relieved and er... hopeful? And yeah. I'm hungry.... lolz

This blog will start 2 become inactive again.... I know, I know, I've done it before. But the crappy internet here in campus supports this cause, not to mention the time I have on my hands.

Other than that, nothing exciting is going on here... Juz the same old classes, assignments, deadline, KO. And probably because I'm KO-ed, I can't think of what to write. oh well...

Anyway I got an event coming up at 1 o'clock, and I've gotta go get ready. So I've reached the end of this short update. Hope 2 start writing again soon! Till later!

~Drownrat~

Trudging thru the ashes....

Hi again. What's with the title? I'm not pretty sure myself. hmm

*Dude, it's ur blog*

Yeah, okay, whatever. Ashes or not, I'm pretty sure I'm in a graveyard. Alright, alright enough nonsense.
It's been a "few" days since I had something to say. I still don't have anything to say, but for these few things.

Number 1. A new yoyo has arrived! It's actually secondhand, tho. A yoyojam speeder. I don't really have any pictures of it. I was too busy trying it out. (duh). Anyway, this guy really packs a punch, tho I'll need to get used to the slightly narrower shape. So far, so good.

Number 2. I finally got my internet password! RAWR!  
Note: I've actually been using someone else's password, don't ask me, I dunno who he is either. hehe.

Number 3. My right hand is starting to freaking hurt again! Playing the yoyo is no problem, but surfing and Handball kills it. Ironically, I've been surfing for an hour.

Number 4. I just wanna wish my room mate, Cheah Choon Fai and my project team mate, Ahmad Nizar Happy Birthday! Again! Many returns of the day to you both.

Number 5. Thanks to Miss Annie Hii (OMG that sounds so wrong, lolz. She's actually another good friend of mine..) for dinner and the cheesecake last Friday! I really appreciate it. It's the only birthday 'dinner' I got this year. I noe ur currently down with the flu, so, take care ya. I ddn't expect u to miss me that bad.... haha. I'm so narcissistic, eh?:):)

Lastly I wish to congratulate my good friend Ong Siaw Harn for getting an offer from Applemint clothes to be their model!!! Although I ddnt know u applied myself, but I knew you would someday. After all, it was one of dreams you held. So, make it count. Keep on moving, gal. I'll see you again someday:) And don't 4get ur exams... XDXD

So all in all, I did have quite abit to say. I guess it's true, that once you start, you can't stop. ;) Well I'll stop now. This is WTTW signing off, CHIAO!

~WTTWDaGreat~

Another Manic Monday:)

Yeah, the day we all dread. Econs class is over, next is at 3 pm, with a test coming up. With the amount of time, I might as well give this place some life. Nope, no studying. Not yet:):)

My birthday has come and gone. I'm decades old now! How was it? Kinda okay, actually. In a different sense. There was no cake, no celebration (It was my sisters convocation, too, so we'll let her have it:)) But 80 wishes on fb? Now that's another personal best. Well I guess u can't win them all..... But eh. Walking around this place is kinda pleasing, but it'll be perfect if I had a companion. I've been getting dumped by my room mates again and again, so lets go solo. What a bad idea.

As my close friends know, I can't often speak my mind. In fact, I just can't seem to say it out. I'd go round and round and still fall short. So much for communication... And indecision. OMG. My biggest weakness.

Now why am I saying this? Lets say I was never good at expressing my affection towards someone, or even proving a simple point. I was never good at choosing the words to say in the 1st place. Sound familiar? Like father, like son, so they say... Acting it out is a different matter. Getting it noticed, then again, is a different thing. As much as of an observer as a actor as I am, it's saddening to see, how people can come to you and say: 'You should be doing this' Hey, hey, wait a second. Do you even know what I'm doing in the 1st place??

I just wanted to get this off my back. Over here, there is no one yet that I feel I can confide to. So here I am, confiding in my laptop, as I've always done. I'd always wanted to live a normal life, and hey, I'm almost there. but.... somethings missing.... What my heart wants to say, my tongue can't express....

In the bright daylight, the sun shines, yet people still get lost. If warring countries can become allies, why can't people who I've seen and befriended for years become even better friends? Is this what I should call a great failure? lolz. I don't know. maybe one day, I'll find the answer. For now, the observer retreats...

~Drownrat~

Reporting In!

Hey all,

Here I am reporting in from UPM Serdang! Finished the 1st class for the day, and no more classes until 2moro! :O My mind is kinda blank rite now, Juz got my Principles of economics results (finally) and I scored highest in the class. It wasn't a fantastic result, juz that the 1st-on-the-list thingie really scares me. Call it instinct. Personal instinct:)....

One more paper to collect... What happened to it?? For now, I'm focusing on the evening... Football again! And talking of football... I need to get myself sum food.... haha.

Oh, and For all my Form 6 juniors in STAR, Selamat menduduki peperiksaan. Good luck for ur trial exams, Jia you.. :):)

With those words, I sign myself off.... Take care everyone!

~drownrat~

P.S. Now, where should I eat??

After a Two Week Plus Hiatus...

After more than two weeks of inactivity, I start again:) Why so looonnnnngggg ????? Aiyo, Term break ma.... must enjoy.... :) But fat chance with that. Anyway... Anyone wants to know how term break went? err.... okayyy...

All in all there was SOME acheivements in the two weeks. I went for two movies, for instance. "What? get a life dude..." Sorry 2 disappoint you, but I AM getting a life, especially if you consider that I've been to the cinema like, 10 times? Don't faint. I'm sure I mentioned this earlier...

Other than the sweet, SWEET meetings with my close friends, there really isnt anything else worth mentioning here. Its same old mundane life, stay at home Fb-ing my time away....

When I first left for uni, It was with mixed feelings. I said this a few posts ago. But I didn't really know what I left behind, besides friends I could barely even see. But now I know... I also left someone else, someone more than a friend. I left behind a person whom I really cherished, and spoke to more than I did than with my own sister.

Who is she?? *EHEM* That's for me to know.... But In a way, I'm through doubting. I'm through denying my own feelings. Even if it's thrown back at me, my conscience is clear... As my head.

This friday is my birthday, and my sister's convocation. She's graduating with a diploma in Mass Communications. A double celebration, and I know my wish before the day even comes. I keep waiting....

So back to far far away, and I fade away into deep silence.... bye....

~Drownrat~

Very soon..... (complete the sentence) :):)

In less than a week, I'll be back to klang!! did you guys over there (or gals, watever) miss me?? haha, Ok. I can sense some1 raising his eyebrows.. *wink*peter*wink*. In any case, i'm not quite sure of the exact day i'll be free to go, But it'll definitely be before the 5th.

Faculty night was last friday, had a blast (well, kinda, if you consider my life is pretty mundane).. Well, at least there were like 8 friend requests on FB when I checked earlier:) Not all of them were from my faculty, but hey! that ain't bad, rite?

Photos? Check my FB profile:):) No, I'm serious. It's pretty hard 4 me to upload photos. I'm still dreaming of a new lappie.... Thanks all 4 tagging me! got a few more to 'procure'... but eh. as long as they come. Congrats to all the kings and queens, btw!

On a more serious note, I can't seem to check my test results. I'm still waiting for a friend to step into the library.... where is he?? Oh well.

So folks, I'll be back soon! keep waiting! (and hoping!)

-Drownrat-

31st day celebration!

What's with 2days topic? No, I'm not talking bout independence day. As of 23rd August 2010, I have spent ONE FULL MONTH in UPM!

And I'm celebrating by finishing my 1st round of tests. It would be a much jollier affair IF I wasnt getting one paper back in 2 1/2 hours. Okaaayyy.

I need 2 draw a personal budget plan. Honestly. I mean, I have enough for food and basic things items, but I cant feed my 'addictions', in huge inverted commas. In simple words, a shiny new yoyo with strings and supplies, and some good paper for me to fold. oh, and sumone to get them supplies from 'there' to 'here' Being bored doesn't help that one bit.

Faculty nite is this friday. If all goes well, the audience will be laughing their heads of. Not at me, k? (Rephrase: not at me only, k?)

one last question:

Does anyone run a courier service??

*TRANSMISSION END*

Counting the days...

It's been 3 weeks.... wow. Am I counting the days?? Don't worry. I was asking myself:):)

Things are going kinda okay, over here. The hardest part is getting my lazy butt up and get to work. Getting up in the morning doesn't apply, however.

Oh, btw. to all my Muslim friends and readers, Selamat Berpuasa...

Was supposed to have a test this morning, but is was postponed to next Monday. Better for me, cause chapter 3 seems to be missing from my notes. It's Principles of Economics, fyi, a subject which I have never studied. Heck, I never opened an Econs textbook before! But hey, it's not half as bad:):)

One more thing. I've joined the debate club in my college. I can see some confused faces already. Here in UPM, the hostels are called colleges. we have 17 over here, and I'm in college 13. Don't worry. I'm not superstitious. My room number is B404. Just felt like saying that. Wonder why?:)

I'm missing my friends, all that I left behind. It was rather sudden, even for me. Biggest apologies to Siau Harn. Everytime I hear Wondergirls on the radio (thats like, everyday) I feel kinda bad. I really wanted to meet my good friends again. Guess I have to wait till the fourth of September. I'll be back for ur birthday, I promise!

I finally had the guts to post that. I most likely won't be returning to klang till the fourth, when  mid-term break starts. But... If anyone really, REALLY misses me that badly (with a big fat IF) Sunday's a pretty good day to head to bukit bintang:)

I'll put down my pen for now... wait. I shud put down my hands. I'm typing, rite? lolz. anyway, I'm trying to keep this blog alive, and perhaps on a brighter note. till then... Chiao!

drownrat:):)

Speechless Again...

Yes, That's rite. Again. remember what my last post said? this takes the no 1 spot on my 'List of Stupendous Surprises'. What? yeah, the name was random. the list isn't. haha.

So what is this No 1 thingie? Well, I got a place in uni. After appeal. Seriously. I'm still rather lost, and I'm posting this about three days after a senior mentioned my blog. Hey! don't stalk me!!!! To top it off, I landed the first choice on  my list. So much for the usual, eh? So now here I am in Serdang (I'm in UPM) wandering about like a lost kid (thats what I felt like, and still am). Of course the usual bumps and humps of being the 'freshie' (I would prefer 'freshman', if u please). I would be playing football now, but i dunno y I chose to come to the library. For the internet, perhaps? definitely not the air cond, mind you....

It'll b even harder for me to keep updating, now that internet of reasonable speed can only be found in the library. Or so it seems like it. Bah. as long as I can get my things done.

Perhaps I shud end this post here. I'll keep my dear readers, if there still are any, wondering about the next item to pop out on the 'Top List of Most Stupendous Surprises'. Me getting a GF, perhaps? wow. My mum would faint and pull my sis with her. haha... so till then..

Love and Thanks,
WTTWDaGreat

Speechless...

Honestly, I'm exactly what the title says. Hmm, I'm speaking in paradoxes. I can hear these words
Somebody:  Den WTH are you doing now?
Me: Err, typing?
Somebody: *Speechless*
XDXD

So yeah. I'm back to square one. With no place in a uni (I'm not betting my odds, if any, on the appeal) It's back to a private college. But that still means waiting for the next intake, so wait I will.

I'm getting pretty fed up with this OKU thingie. What's the use holding a card saying I'm a mental patient (I'm being very lenient on words here) if i'm not goin 2 get any benefits? Some things just baffle me...

No 1.
 
During the online uni apllications, I couldnt enter my disability. Huh? Yes. They accepted evrything except the column which says: Type of disability. Since I chose 'other', obviously I must elaborate. I'm not sure about this, but looks the server sorta rejected everything I typed in. What, a person who sees a psychiatrist cant study? To some extent in my case, I have to agree:):)

No 2.

Then comes the benefits of holding the OKU identification card. When I applied for it, some of the benefits included: free medical and dental, 1/2 price on public transport, and monthly allowance. let me go one by one. My free medical and dental was because of my father's status as a pensioner. Now, i'm paying the full fee, because I'm not studying. And even if I were, I'm only entitled till im 21. but that bit sounds fair to me. Thank God I'm off medication. Public transport? for what I know, it's only for all the govt affliciated transport companies. I couldnt bother much abt that, and pulling out an ID on every bus i get on.

But the last straw was about the allowance. After I was 'cheated' of half  a year of allowance (In form 6, but i'm partly to blame) I'm now told that i wont get a single sen unless I'm studying in an IPT which has this privelage or I'm working with a monthly salary of rm900 and below. Alright, my unemployed status sticks out like a sore thumb. But how many OKUs can actually work?? If I don't look it does it mean I can work? Well, I once had a job. Lost it after 8 days.... laugh all u want. I am in fact laughing now.


But that just proves a point. I juz have to keep walking. Some1 once built a huge courier service from $10.... I won't even be close, I assure you, but it states it rather clearly. I have about 60 bucks in my wallet, and thats all I have; the bank accounts hold more, but i'm trying to keep it there. I dowan 2 be a miser, I'm just rather resourceful. Thanks for the genes, dad, You're the man:)

But, as I said time and time again... I need some1 by my side. somebody i can see with my eyes, and not through text on a screen. It hasn't really changed much. I've seen some of my old schoolmates rather recently (bumped into them) and met one of them before she left for college. I'm pretty sure that the former La Sallians in my year were in quite an uproar. But eh, it happens..


It's 12 pm, and i'l end my rant here. I wish to share a song here, It's quite 'old' and many ppl I noe don't like this kind of music. It's Josh Groban and The Corrs---- Canto alla Vita (Song to Life)

I'm posting the English translations because many ppl over here don't understand italian... I don't really myself..

<<<>>>

Dedicated to the one who guilty or innocent
Lost in this sea
Yielded to the stream
Who didn't ever be a winner

Dedicated to the one always keeping a hope
In front of a sorrow
In the cold of a room

Dedicated to the one searching his own freedom

I sing to life
To all its beauty
To every wound of it
To every caresse of it

I sing to life
To it's tragic beauty
To pain and to strife
Let all that dance through me
The rise and the fall
I lived through it all

Dedicated to the one who always made it dry
Like possessed, slipped through fingers
It was always already over

I sing to life
Reflected into your eyes
Easy and endless
Promised land for us

I sing to life
Sweet and even fierce
To this journey of ours
Which still puts us in chains

It calls us...

Don't ever doubt
Don't ever doubt
Don't ever leave it alone
Alone
Still...

I sing to life
Sweet and even fierce
To this journey of ours
Which still puts us in chains

It calls us...

Thank you for listening. Now I'm considering changing the title of this post.... hmm....
~Drownrat~

Another snag....

Juz a short post as an update.... Another problem has crept up. Big or not, i dunno. But now my back is starting to give problems again! Mayb is the excess weight loss. Oh yeah, for those who are like "what?" here's a bit of information. My spine is slightly crooked, mainly 'cos of my sudden increase in height (call it bolting if u wishXD) between form 2 and 5. Now that im MUCH thinner, u can actually see it. and its getting worse. Went to take a passport photo yesterday and the photographer asked me to sit straight. Obviously I cant, but I tried, and the pic turned out rather unnatural. haha. very funny.

I'll be around town (as in the klang valley) by myself... Any1 experiencing the same loneliness? Lets go 4 a drink or two:) Cheers!

-Drownrat-

I'm sure you guys noe by now that this blog is full of 'emo' posts. Well, thats if ur reading it. I've probably said this, and i'll say it again, but this blog wasn't actually meant for 'reading'. its more of a storage cum trash can sort of thingie. Well, now that I think of it, it's more of a trash can. Some how (for me) spilling all out ur frustrations seems so much easier to yourself, or a pc screen in my case. or lappie. wateva.

My parents once thought I was schizophrenic bcos i was talking 2 myself. But thats why It's the exact opposite. I'm talking to, well, myself! Saying my thoughts out loud.

I can't say that i've posted each and every piece of 'garbage' here. there are sum things I don't. Sum things which most ppl do not know. unless you're one of the few friends i have (or had).

I guess till 2day age still plays an important role in determining maturity. Especially when it comes to comparison. Few ppl have said I am mature, and I really don't think I am, but I'm not immature either.

Maybe its the way I talk. Maybe its the way I act. But maybe maturity is more than that. Maybe I just don't know how to 'act' grown up. Come on, I'm the youngest in this family. But I'm 19! And I can think. I can reason. Sometimes even better than others.

Runaway train by Soul Asylum has been my personal anthem for a looooonnnng time. I never went far in many things, but I've experienced things which others may not have had at my age. I've seen so many things by just revolving around the klang valley while others travel thousands of miles. The goldmine isn't under where I stand, But It is close. As I lose my physical strength and ability through tiredness and fatigue, my mind is still at full force. Controversial, yet practical, logic and mystery exist in my mind at the same time. Most only see one.


Of course I would be more than willing to speak if some1 would hear me. If some1 would call me n say, "hey, u need 2 talk?" U think I won't? Juz because I don't show my true emotions in front of ppl, juz bcos I'm always there if some1 needs to talk, I don't need a friend myself? The doctor falls sick too, fyi.


Could i even blame others? No man would wish for his own unhappiness. But I, too, am a man. Is it wrong for me to be proud of what I have achieved? Or is it right for me to be proud of what I've achieved and others have not? Honestly, those 2 sentences are different. Not in the eyes of some ppl, tho.

"There are many worse off than you"

Time and time again I hear this phrase. I have never rebutted it. I know what it means. you know what it means. But that 'Many others' may not think so! Some of them don't even know what they're thinking! Some of those 'poor souls' may think that we are the poor ones! Perspective, my dear friend, perspective is a very beautiful and powerful thing. Anyway I ddn't say i was the worst off of all human beings. That's just what i'm thought to be saying. Or I would be bragging about what I never had to every1 everyday, when in fact this blog is the most common place, and I don't say everything.

What is keeping me alive? To be frank, I don't really know. How did I become such a good 'actor' to my own feelings but a total ham to others? How do I treat others sincerely when I cant do the same to myself? Weird, huh? But true. Love yourself before loving others. But now it's the other way round.

So, what keeps me up an average of 19 hours a day and still act as if I'm the most contented person on this earth? Some kind of power? Some hidden strength? I don't know what it's called, but I'm sure that one minute part of it is called willpower. and another is called faith. The faith that few have in me, the faith which even I do not possess.

How long will the supply last? i don't know. When is the storm ending? i dunno. and when will day break? i dunno, But it always does, so I'll just have 2 wait. thats all.....



-Drownrat-

Easter Sunday.....

In the last two hours of Easter Sunday, I remember the past week. I renewed my Baptismal promises; I recalled my promise with a friend.

Easter. The day of the Lord's resurrection. Tho it seems like any dull weekend to me. Yes, I detest weekends. Because I can't get rest even after months of sleep deprivation. To the point that I don't even feel tired anymore. To the point that I cant get 2 hours in a day before experiencing a recurring headache. Any yet I can't stop. I have to walk. For the sake of those who believe in me. For the sake of those who I cherish, and there is none I don't.

The few of you who read this, you are my witnesses. A make a clear statement here; I can count all those who I can call 'true friends' on my two hands, all the 20 years of my life. I never knew how to make friends, but I hid a part of me within all that I tried to reach out to, hoping that one day, one fine day, they will find it and return it to me. Many have, but few are those who put it into my hands.

I don't want people to see me only for what I am. I want them to see me also for what I can be. The day the light is revealed to my world. The times God has stood beside me in the form of an average Joe (or Jane), who does not hide his/ her weaknesses, but gives me strength to make up for my own.

I have shown by my now worn and fatigued hands, how many times I have created, destroyed and fixed. Even though my veins now are so engorged they distort these hands, that though hard in action and harsh in dealing, that I DO have a heart. I am still a man, am I not?

And yet, I see no end to the hailstorm. Since my life depends on my hands,  destroy them, and I'm a dead man, right? Exactly. And that means, I'm half dead. I'm exhausted by all that I do, and no1 would even offer me a band-aid. Scars on the inside, old injuries haunt me. And how this 'LOSER' keeps on enduring every hit and yet can't land a blow.

I have shown, yes, but till now, I doubt many know what I do. Every1 wants to see the superstar but forgets the stage worker.

Just like today, Just like every festival. I send greeting after greeting, some composed by myself. And yet, I still find my inbox empty except for replies.

I hear them say: 'These people has stayed up all night doing this, doing that'. Then I don't know why I stay up all night, doing something I'm not paid for, for a deadline I set myself, for a simple piece of craft that would be thrown away the next day. Then I don't know why I can't tell others my troubles. I mean, they won't even hear my ideas, what more if I were to complain.

So, dear reader, If you do read this, You will have known by now that I can't turn back now. I'm not allowed to, anyway.

Hear me, hear me, all of you out there. I have worked for change in myself, yet I still find that I can never really change. Easter draws to a close, and I slink back into the darkness, into a place where few have gone, and few enter willingly.

For my friends: I still recall every single moment, every second. I can wake up every morning because of you. Let me apologize here to you, my most dear friends, should this man fail to achieve what you have seen in me, all the trust and faith you had in me. After all many men lived the longest day, and many failed to see the dawn. I may be just another one of them, I do not know. But if I can help another to see the daylight, and be sure that the chain will not die, I would live in darkness for the price of one glimpse of the sun. Let me fall. I never rose. I just kept crawling, thats all.


I can't live forever. But memories do. legacies do. Above all, love and friendship remains. In my life, I've loved you all. And as long as I live, I will still. Lest my sanity flee from me, I ask of you,

Remember me, not for what I was, nor for what I am. But for what I strived to be.


Drownrat

Great Way 2 use Leftover exercise Books!

Modular origami Polyhedra! This one a borealis!

STPM results have been received, signed, sealed, and delivered. No, it wasn't good, and No, it wasnt horrible either, but Yes, it DOES exceed expectations and Yes, it exceeds my target (there is a big difference, mind)

Now, The REAL bad news.

I've been given a pre-diagnosis. Only this time, it's Asperger's Syndrome. Is Asperger's still a diagnosis? Beats me.

No.2.

Getting De STPM results presents sum probs 2. Especially the Punlic Uni application part. !st of all I had to leave out the column on disability, because it appears that the system doesn't recognize 'special illnesses'. I mean, Most mentally disabled ppl dont go 2 uni rite? Then what's the option called 'cacat lain' for anyway? but nvm abt dat.

It also appears that all the courses in the teaching spectrum were all snapped up. Okaaayyy. Switch 2 plan B. Hey. Hold on! It's only half complete! so in the end, I ended up still depending on Biology. And in biology, I still end up depending on my hands. (FYI, I applied 4 horticulture & Biomedical science. (Yeah u heard that, I'm gonna mate plants.... lol)

No 3.

The MAIN problem. My hands. Last Last monday I nearly dislocated my right shoulder. It's enuf to cause alot of trouble, tho, Considering the initial condition. I cant type 4 long, nor throw a yoyo much, and definitely cant continue my reconstruction of my house (ok, that's an exaggeration, What do u get whem u have a 70 year old project site manager at home every day? thats my dad, btw) And I definitely can't do this:

Yup, That's Buckyball a.k.a. Buckminsterfullerene, C60. The triangles, if u dun get it.

That's 120 pieces of ppr there, Started the day b4 collecting STPM results and finished at 10.00 am. Quick snap, than off to school.


So as final words, Take care, all of u. And for all my juniors out there,

"Je crois en toi"

And wish me with the same words.

"I believe in you. All my life I've laboured for change. Now I'm passing My dream to you"

With that, I take my Leave.


WTTWDaGreat

Past, present, Future?

Why am I here?
Why do I do what I do?
Why do I help those who I destroyed?
Why do I hold on to what's gone?
Why do I let go what's here to stay?
Why do I run away?
Why do I hide in innocence?
Why do I admit in guilt?
Why do I regret every moment?
Why do I doubt?
Why do I do what no one would do?
Why do I reject position and power?
Why can't I express?
Why can't I fit in?
Why can't I leave my past?
Why can't I believe?
Why can't I hope?
Why can't I be what I am?


WHY?

Is it that It's not the real me,
Or that I am a 'disposable'?
Is my past, my present, and my future tied by one thread?
Is this.... Me?

Am I dreaming?
Am I hallucinating?


Or am I.....


Non-existent?

Am I Living?



Then Why don't I feel, Alive?