A New Year, A new start. Again???

The earth completes another revolution round the sun in abt 3 hours. Many changes have occured. I'm no longer in school (Yay? Not!!!!), The verdict on the usage of the word 'Allah' is out, ruling in favour of the Church. The church which I attend, is experiencing some 'technical abnormabilities'. Rio de Janeiro is hosting the 2016 olympics. Brazil may be kicked out of the world cup. Malaysia won the SEA games football medal. Michael Schumacher is back, etc, etc, blah, blah, snore..... plunk! (dont ask me. Just some cheap thrill)


For me, what's more important is what hasn't changed. My attitude has changed from fire to water and then finally to wind. But I'm still the same person I always was. The same boy that is now 19, the 'small fry' that is now a 'big fish', the supporting actor which is now a back-stage worker.

(Not forgetting that others remain the same towards me too....)


My mouth isnt the only part that has served me well. My hands did the same, maybe better. And of course my mind that oversees them all.


'Cogito Ergo Sum'-I think, in account with being. (Rene Descartes)

The fact that I can control what I do is the main testament that I exist.



These are some words from the anime series 'Mobile Suit Gundam 00 (Kidou sensei Gundam 00), s1, ep 23. Lasse Aeon said:

'I don't honestly believe that we can eradicate war. But for better of for worse, our insame acts will be carved into people's hearts... I think that... we are significant because we exist.'


I've wanted to say these words for a looooooonnnng time. It's one of the reasons why i never wanted to be suicidal again. The fact that I have been given life is the biggest gift i'll ever recieve, just maybe in a newspaper wrapping:) The simple fact that i'm a backstage worker, the last resort, and the bridge between fire and water (aka wind) cannot stress it enough. I am there if i am needed (and if i can be there, duh), all i ask for is some credit. my wages. hey, it's not money. i'm a volunteer, not a worker. I don't care who you are. Not even if ur my sworn enemy, not that i have any, at least from my perspective. when it comes to decisions, there is no right and wrong. If you are fighting on one side of the war, ur know that they are the enemy. it's not that they are pagans or heretics. If we think our ideals are right, cant the enemy think the same?

And also, if we call people hypocrites, so can they. and ultimately, both sides are right. Every thing we say is a double edged sword. what really matters is which edge is longer. You are poor. We all are. I am strong. aren't you the same? That is why we are all individuals, yet very much alike.

By that I do not mean 'He can be the the top student, why can't you?!'

What I AM saying is 'He is the best, but you were his ladder'

It's true that I was NEVER the president (except for my class). I was never 'DA MAN'. I was never a top student, nor was I an excellent sportsman. But what I, and many others, are is the
platform on which they stand, the ladder which they climbed, and the grass at the bottom. I'm not saying im worthless or stressing that I am important, but hey! scroll up 28 lines. Someone has to be the platform, and the ladder, and the ground. Sadly the platform is rather small.

We don't, i repeat, don't get anywhere by using people. We get there because they allow us to use them. And we have to keep them. What would happen if the ladder was missing a rung? What if the ground was concrete? Ouch! is all i can say.


Our unsung heroes aren't just the road sweeper or sewerage worker. The scavengers and death row criminals are very unlikely unsung heroes. lets look at it. The scavengers are solid proof that garbage is a gold mine, and how much of this 'gold' we are wasting. They can survive by selling and eating what we do not want. they are the living proof of the future of waste, and how lucky yet wasteful we are. Criminals, are evil, so we say. We do not think, however, that one day, that may be us, at the gallows. They are grim reminders of the resolve to survive, how love is transcended into hate, and how the name of God can be misused to extremity. Still we cannot deny that we are animals. Literally. We need to survive. By any means, survive.

To exist, that is to live, carrying the will of those that have died, and facing the world.


When we die, those remaining will do the exact same thing, and the cycle continues. the fate of man lies in his hands, because he will be judged by how he used them.



I look back on the whole year, how so many things have changed, many of them for the worse. Maybe it's because I observe more, and am more mature to understand what i observe.


You don't need to see too observe. Nor hear. Nor touch. Nor smell. Nor taste. people who lack one or two, maybe three of the above can know whats going on way better than any normal human. their mind is their sense.


Another quote from the gundam franchise (the third, one was not identified:))

Observe, Decide, ACT. (Fon Spaak, Gundam 00F)

Seems like common sense, but common sense isn't so common. Maybe it never was. hmm...


Next year, I resolve not to change for others, nor others to change for me. I may not even change is it's unnecessary. But if i am to, i will. BY MY OWN FREE WILL.


A short apology for lack of writing.... or typing, whatever. Here's my new year's Greeting to all! God bless each and every one of You!


A New day dawns, The daybreak bell rings,
Time does pass, So does man and his kings,
Legacies do remain, The soul does persist,

BUT HEY!

Cogito ergo sum, I think, so I exist.



HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So.... What's next??

Christmas is coming. 1st sunday of advent just passed. New beginning? hopefully yes.

Lets be frank, k?

I haven't picked up my pen and put it to paper for more than 2 months. Except if u count my exams, duh. what is there to write? My past few posts have been about me wallowing in self-pity, and i guess this is no different.

Maybe i should go back 2 my old self. U noe, the loud and physical one, maybe i was happier then. When I look at everybody, my family, friends, strangers, etc. Something has changed. But that 'something' revolves around me more than it does on them. I never expected this, when I became a person who barks more than he bites, so maybe i should bite more?


Here's a question for u guys and gals out there.

when u see a person u know has a sudden change in behaviour, e.g. A talkative guy suddenly remains silent most of the time, what do u notice?

The ans. from most ppl: Something's wrong, and if it goes on, something's REALLY wrong.

But why, WHY cant people see whatever is that they just said? The very ppl who said those words above are bound to say:

'he's just being difficult'
'Just some teething problems'
'Surely he's trying to get something'

The fact is, all of the three statements above are very much true. just not in the common perspective.

Think about it. Most suicidal ppl leave a note before they take their lives. But there is usually something in common about all these notes.....

'I cant take it anymore'

'I'm sorry for....'


The meaning of the words 'I cant take it any more' needs no explanation.

what needs explanation is the 'im sorry' part.

This the words of a reluctant person, a person who still blames himself on the account of his death. And most likely, this sentence is present:

'u will be much better of without me'... something im saying in my heart this very instant. I know i can't leave yet, i'm only 19, but this place in which i type all this, is no longer my home. My heart is no longer in this place. It's just my hostel, a place where i return every night just to lay down my head, and be gone the next morning to work and labour. No, i'm not getting suicidal, tho i once was. I told myself, i'll never despise this world of even one human soul, which is significant just because it exists.

The big Q, " do I even exist?' That is what i search for as we head towards the birthday of our lord, who himself is non-existant in most of our hearts. But behold, I an no God. I am but a man, and very few men have lived on in the hearts of those in the present. Maybe i should start an autobiography.....

So... what's next??


Drownrat

Exams are coming......

OK.

I know, an i'm sure ALL you students out there know that exams are very near. so, i juz wanna wish

GOOD LUCK To all you.... (tho i think I need lots of it myself)

PMR students: I envy you. Really.

And one more thing.....


I juz recieved a brand-new Metal Freehand Zero!!!! Its a 3rd edition!

Ppl would b thinkin i would be gettin a Mayhem.... In my dreams, yeah. ( about 2x the $$, btw....)

Oh, and for those who dunno what they are..., they both are yoyos. And Duncan ones at that. The Metal FHz i bought, it costs 180+, i got it 4 150. so i'll leave the maths 2 u, eh? (i mean the price of the Mayhem)

Most expensive one ive gotten so far! yeah, 2 those who have seen my collection, the hitman is more expensive.... (Currently abt the same price as the MFHz) BUT..... paid onli 120. thanx 2 Shakeel! U rock dude!


okok.

so, Back 2 exams.

I'm really not sure about my future. n It's independant of my results. and its not that i dunno wat i want 2 do. Get it? I guess the problems pretty clear.....

Do well, k? And pray 4 me 2.....

God Bless.


ps: Wow, Fawwaz, u seem 2 be the onli 1 still hanging around..... Thanx dude

More about myself......

I have read on other ppl's blogs, people who seem sensitive and kind, who wont lift a finger against another man. they tell their deepest secrets, that they do lift fingers, and fists,and ultimately, wield the sword.

And that's what exactly what people think of me. Now it seems as i kill with my tongue, but that became partially true only less than half a decade ago. read, PARTIALLY. To think of it, I hit everybody, save my teachers, which somehow, is beyond me. By everybody I MEAN everybody. I got into a fight with my adversary, and if not for my friends and status at that time, I would have gone down with him. And this is the one thing which i think no average son, any man with a sane mind, would ever do. I have struck my sister, and my parents. Maybe it was in anger, but i have said, anger isnt a sin. it never was. it was what i did that made it a sin. i cannot remember the details of the events, but i remember laying a downward punch on my mother. Hitting a man would kinda seem more mature, as i have been told. Every1 tells me, a guy who strikes a woman is of utmost immaturity. If that is the case, im still a zygote. I think of the time of the Jews, of ancient china, where women were done with as men pleased. Today, it seems the exact opposite, where all a man can do is pack up and leave the home which be built with the labour of his hands and sweat of his brow, as well as the wife he vowed to remain steadfast till the end of time. Crimes against women are always highlighted, but at the same time, crimes against men are less known.

I am not being cynical towards women, but rather I am saying, feminism is good, if it is not overdone. asking for higher wages and better positions, that is fine. but these are the facts: Discrimination is not about Gender only, it encompasses race, and religion. And neither gender can be destroyed, for the other will be destroyed as well.

Conclusion is, Count your blessings. Every1 has rights, but ppl see that the other has more, and thus he wants more. Avarice is not only limited to material things, but also Favour, Power or in short, all things worldly.

If I have smote my brethren, be it as the past, not forgotten, but remembered, that it will not encompass me again. for i have just struck my brother, but another may have killed him, and another may have blamed another for his slaughter. And remember, Rights are not given, they are earned, as the food on your table or the shirt on your back. And for a reason it is made such. If they were given freely, it would be of no value, as it can be obtained everywhere.



And so, count your blessings. For if there was not a man lower than you, you would not be where you are...........

Frustration and anger/ My opinion about the principle of life as a journey.

I havnt composed anything recently. because all that i wanted to write, is GONE. all my half written ones, my drafts, all my resources, along with my music scores and HUGE song library and software, is gone.

There is one thing ppl cannot realise, that an introvert can be an extrovert, but the opposite can never happen. this is what ive learned from the comments i've got from what ive said and written and what ive seen with my own eyes.

1) Most Ppl today are hypocrites. Youths with potential do not rise because of this. Example: Medicine is a popular course 2day. So lets say, A Form 6 student wants to become a general surgeon, and comments come saying:' He is a coward, choosing a path which will not change anything. and again, if another form 6er wants to specialize in microsurgery, ppl say: he is digging his own grave, for this branch is a snare.

2) Those who arent hypocrites hate change. like how ppl react to me. I usually talk abt factual stuff, seem like a soft person, serious. However, those who know me, and as i can say, can be counted on one hand, can attest that I can be that, as well as the extreme opposite. I know alot of facts, i read abt latest discoveries and stuff, but the purpose is so that i can use it as a weapon in my speech. u cant raise a point without proof. period. I seem soft, a goody-goody, but i am not. My anger flares very easily, and i cut down my adversaries and throw them in the furnace. And i dont care who they are. my family has tasted that. U may be the elder, u may be my father, but u are also human. If u can attack, i too can defend. and defence is the best offense. and serious? dont make me laugh. I can recite an encyclopedia of jokes, and can make a comedy out of anything. just that my temper gets in the way.

3) Gifts do not exist anymore. Stuff which I get, are used as a tool to curry favour or blackmail me. at the same time, it is a rarity to accept a genuine gift, even from family. It happens evryday, ppl give bcause they want a reward, or worse, to blackmail the debtor. But doesnt evry religion and belief tell us, Our reward is already given. The question is when it will be recieved.



And so, the main conclusion here is, the opinions ant thoughts of todays world is flawed and disfigured. And that means me as well. And it is said, the 1st step to change is 'to realize the need for change'

malaysia, not any particular race as such, is beginning to realize this. the Bumiputera' themselves are starting to go against the NEP, which in actual fact, was formed with false and biased judgements.

The main obstacle is, ppl who are not happy, leave. They say, the malaysian dream is a total myth. Come to think of it, if all of our youth and capable man were to leave, it will be a myth, and remain a myth. But sum leave not to abandon. The go out and return with greater power and zeal for this vocation.





oK, that aside, now the 2nd part of this post.

The wise sage says, life is a journey, and this journey is more important than what lies at the beginning,or what the ending is.

well........ it is true, but not totally. there are some of my thoughts.

The journey is important, but it is the end which make us set out on this journey. This road only holds importance in how do we acheive this end, and probably discover that this journey leads to a dead end.as in a real journey, we must be prepared for it. the very foundation of a journey is planning and preparation. because 'the spirit may be willing, but the flesh is weak'. and because the flesh is weak, the spirit dies as well. Any christian knows what Jesus said, 'I am the alpha and the omega, the first and the last'. the gospels are said to be the most important, and rightly it is, but so are Genesis and the Apocalypse.

One question to all christians, do you know the 1st proclamation of the coming of the Messiah is in Genesis? and as early as chapter 3? it is called the protoevangelium. look it up urself. and in revelations, the glory of god and what is to come is to be revealed.

and mind, the end cannot come before the beginning. so to understand this bokk, what is before must be read and understood.





so now, i guess all of you have seen a part of my fortitude, which i indirectly showed. oh and to all those out there, whether you come to my blog or not, remember this: I cannot force you to to read or hear what i say, not can i make you understand what you do not want to. people read my works as if i'm paid for it, and it is my obigation to do so. I cannot change your opinion, it is yours, but i could make ppl pay for what I write. Malaysian writers are few and far between, and how many of them would write without considering the effects? I have mentioned, these are MY opinions. Many are offended not because of what I write, but because of how the decipher what i write. It is how how you place your perspective, not what you see with that perspective. this blog was created solely for the purpose of storage, but since it IS a blog, so I follow the protocol of a blog. I cannot ban or stop any1 from criticizing or spamming. I am not to judge whatever you say, but I can say this: for every criticism that comes, i can counter it, and with such power that ppl who see this criticism will say, 'this critic doesn't know what he's saying'. but I dont do that. Because his words will devour him one day, his own hands will slaughter him.


And watch Rocky balboa? u havent? u have? anyway, remember this quote, and of course Simon & Garfukle's 'The Boxer'

'It is not how hard you hit, It is how hard you GET hit and keep on hitting'

Final words: Being meek is the best defence to harsh criticism, and counterattacks often provide the fatal blow.

Till next time.........

A Sad Day.

Today is a heart-wrenching day. I won't really post any composition 2day, rather juz 2 spill out my heart's content. These past few days, I've been rethinking my journey. Nobody knows when I started writing, but I still recall.

In 2005, I came 2 STAR. On that day we were shifting tables, as usual. That was the 1st time I stood on the top of the F6 block, facing the road. Most ppl juz see the road and part of the school, but I saw two different worlds. One of freedom and one of captivity. Then I realised, that was ME, languishing between the two. In neither heaven or hell. That day, I made an oath, that my old self was DEAD. I would live in the world of FREEDOM. for the years b4, I cried myself 2 slp every nite. That day, I started writing and speaking. I researched psychology and associated sciences. My aim: to proclaim this fantasy that I thought would eventually bcum a reality. My writing focused on Life, Death, Life after death, Love, Peace, Understanding, Hope, Joy and whatever is kinda dead in this world. My experiences were the basis for my 'knowledge', bcos I ddnt want anybody to be as I was.

Now, I look back. 4 yrs have passed. And as I look back, I realize, nothing has changed. Nothing, Not even MYSELF. Is this what my life is for? was I ever meant to be God's soldier, an advocate for peace and Love? I wrote countless pieces, all they said was, They never saw them. I shared my experiences, my deductions, accompanied by scientifical evidence. They said, who are you to say these things? Now My soul is broken once more. Even my family and friends refuse to listen to me. IS THIS WHAT I WANTED?

Of course, there are ppl worse off, but there are many like them... they noe what will happen eventually. Can the same be said for TS? Can anybody say, He cannot control this? Even I don't know what I can control.

Then a friend (I wont say who here) Was willing to listen. but the outcome? My observations abt her were proven to b true. I knew she was different, not in behaviour, but physically... Today she told me what she had kept secret from almost everybody.....

after school, I got the news. One of the Greatest leaders Holy redeemer catholic church ever seen has passed on. He was still healthy and zealous just 8 months ago. The, cancer came into the picture. within a few months, today, he has left. I know, he's in a better place, having fought for God all his life, silently, patiently, a man of his word, a loving husband and father, a man whose legacy lives on. What remains now is his family. His eldest son, a potential leader, is only 16. his widow is a housewife. I admire her courage. she never cried, nor cursed God. This day has renewed my strength. I'm going to prove, tht good people DO have good endings. Not in death, but the fact that what they have done remains, For 'One man cannot make a difference. The people that will rise up, and follow his zeal, they will Make the difference.

I am......

Hi Folks,

It's quite a while since my last post. Anyway, I'm currently working on a new piece, using my 'oh so old but tried and tested' method of using songs as a method of relaying Monologues or even conversations and thoughts. May be a while, tho, as this weekend I'm outstation, 3 days flying out the window and into the landfill. BBBBBUUUUUUTTTTTT, I managed to come up with this. Its entitled 'I Am', which uses common (almost all) occupations (except one), and the values which are (or rather, should be) upheld these occupations. however, each occupation has its own values, therefore the conclusion (Last line). It's not a poem, nor a story, but more of a reflective piece. I don't know if anyone has come up with this, but chances are, they most likely will be different. So here it is, in all its glory, 'I AM".



"I AM"

Who am I?

I am a Priest, giving faith to the faithless and hope to the hopeless,
I am a Teacher, moulding the future into strong, wise and tenacious individuals,
I am a Lawyer, presenting my case for hope of right judgement,
I am an Engineer, Laying a strong foundation before the ascent,
I am a Footballer, dodging and avoiding all that obstruct my goal,
I am a Doctor, Saving people to the best of my ability,
I am a Chemist, combining past methods to produce another,
I am a Jury Member, passing judgement only after listening to the entire story,
I am an Architect, designing the future of mankind,
I am a Mason, Creating the building blocks of creation,
I am a Psychologist, lifting up those who have fallen into despair,
I am a Policeman, protecting the public and upholding the law,
I am a Nurse, caring for all even in the least of sickness and pain,
I am a Fireman, extinguishing the flames of destruction,
I am a Soldier, sacrificing my all for the dignity of my land and comrades,
I am a Pilot, knowing the way to my destination even though I can't see it,
I am an Actor, showing realities and fantasies in my own unique way,
I am a Plumber, looking for the tiny detail that could have made all the difference,
I am a Race Car Driver, controlling my fragile life even though I may lose control,
I am a Sailor, braving the depths to broaden my perspective of the world,
I am a Prospector, searching for treasure where no one would even approach,
I am a Farmer, fueling the entire world by what I sowed and reaped through my own effort,
I am a President, leading my brethren through example in thoughts, words and deeds,
I am a Millionaire, rich in love overflowing with goodness, abounding with mercy.

But MOST OF ALL,

I AM WHO I AM.



Wow, that was long, eh? I keep adding as I go, even as I am posting this. Bottom line is, you'll never know when inspiration will strike you. Same applies to oppurtunities. So when opportunity knocks on the front door, make sure you aren't cleaning in he kitchen. So, please be patient till I finish my 'Project' which i mentioned above. Its MUCH longer than this, so wait for it!

This is William signing off, till next time!

Regards,

TSEnglishPro.

Love and Life: Learning to Dance in the Rain

Hey folks!

Dis is a reply (sorta) to a close fren hu wondered abt love.... What is it? Does it even exist? Well, many may disagree with my stand in this story, it is an adaptation, btw, not my own creation, juz thot it's worth sharing.

It was 8.30 in the morning, when an elderly man in his 80's walked into the local surgery to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry, as he had an appointment at 9.00. It was a busy morning, and the nurse on duty took his vital signs and asked hum to take a seat, knowing it would be at least an hour before someone could see him. He kept on looking at his watch, and the aforesaid nurse, having no one to tend to, offered to evaluate his wound. It was generally well healed, so she talked to one of the doctors and removed the stitches herself. While at it, she enquired as to where the man was rushing off to. Another doctor's appointment, perhaps? He said that he was going to the local nursing home for breakfast with his wife.

The nurse asked about her health. He said that she had been there for quite a while and that she had Alzheimer's disease. The nurse asked if she would be upset if he was late.

The reply was that she did not know him anymore, that she had not reconized him for five years now.

The young lady was suprised: 'And yet you visit her every morning, even though she does not know who you are?'

The man smiled. As he patted her hand he said:
"She doesn't know me, But I still know who she is"

So what is love, True love?

Is it Physical? No.

Is it Romance? No.

Is it Letting go? No.

Is it Giving? No.

Is it a Feeling? No.

Then what is it?

True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.


The above 'definitions' of Love are just theories. Just as the Happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; They just make the best Of everything they have.

How is that connected to life? Acceptance is life, which means, Love is life.

'Life isn't about surviving the storm, But learning to dance in the rain.'

I hope this answered ur question, Roy.....

Till next time,

Sayonara!

Praise Looks Good on You

This is a little known song by Don Moen. But its meaning is so great, I wonder y ppl still dunno this beautiful song. N its unique, cos it speaks from God's perspective. Here it is:


Praise Looks Good on You
By: Don Moen

Verse 1:
When you lift Your hands up high
And you sing a song of praise to Me
It brings Me great delight
Such a lovely sight
And yes it is true
Praise looks good on You
Morning night and noon
Your praise ascends to heaven
Like the smell sweet perfume
Filling every room
And yes it is true
Praise looks good on You

Chorus:
You bring your sacrifices
And you offer up your praise
You lift your voice with singing
But your heart seems far away
More than a sacrifice
I am looking for your life
Holy and acceptable
And pleasing in my sight

Verse 2:
So offer up your lives
Holy and acceptable
A willing sacrifice
Precious in my sight
But in all that you do
Remember all I want is You
(Repeat Chorus)

Verse 3:
So lift your hands up high
And worship Him before the altar
Consecrate your life
A willing sacrifice
But in all that you do
Remember all He wants is You
And yes it is true
Praise looks good on you.

This song explicitly states that God does not require of us mighty praise and penance,
But a Holy and Contrite HEART.

Amen to That!

I Will Be Back!!!!

The Journey of Man

Here's a song that i composed. It talks about Man's journey towards his eternal home. I haven't got a tune, tho.... anyone can help me?

Man's Journey.


Man, is lonely on earth,
Being sad and sinful by birth,
But as time passes through,
All nerve and sinew,
For eternal life does thirst,
For eternal life does thirst.

Like the wind o'er the seas,
He has long wandered so free,
Like all of his kin,
They have wallowed in sin,
Yet forgiven they'll be,
Yet forgiven they'll be.

Like the sun rising at morn,
His life will soon be gone,
All will sleep in death,
But the God of their breath,
Will see that they're reborn,
Will see that they're reborn.

In the eternal sunshine,
I hope that it'll be mine,
Where all good men,
Will rejoice and then,
We'll live forever in time.
We'll live forever in time.



A good funeral song, don't u think? lol.
Next time maybe i'll post one of my creative writings. Chiao!!

Intro of a Tourette's Sufferer

Hi...............

I'm William.... nickname drownrat. Don't ask me how i got that name.... And yeah, many ppl dunno wat is Tourette's syndrome, or TS in short. It is a neurological disorder characterised by tics (note the spelling), which in laymans terms, are sudden, involuntary movements and sounds. To make a long story short, I cannot control certain movements and sounds, even swearing (which is called Coproralia).
Hobbies?
i have many, i play football (preferred position=goalkeeper), do origami, play yoyo, and best of all, compose writing pieces! the mid MUET exam results juz came out, n......................

I GOT DA HIGHEST IN DA WHOLE FORM 6!!!!

In case you're wondering, im still in Form 6, STPM dis yr... (!)

I dunno y i even went 2 F6....

Life, well its tough being different fr. others, especially if you're different in a way that most ppl do not even noe existed....

well, Jesus Christ once did say, "If any man should come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me."

Then, ppl ask me, "but isn't your cross heavier?"

well, the answer is in the beatitudes, "Happy they who mourn, they will be comforted"

Wow, my intro is getting long....
so I end with another bible quote:

"I am telling you the truth, you will cry and weep, while the world rejoices around you. but i will see you again, and your hearts will be filled with joy, the kind of joy that no one can take away from you"

Cheers!

p.s. Pray dat i will update dis blog regularly