I'm sure you guys noe by now that this blog is full of 'emo' posts. Well, thats if ur reading it. I've probably said this, and i'll say it again, but this blog wasn't actually meant for 'reading'. its more of a storage cum trash can sort of thingie. Well, now that I think of it, it's more of a trash can. Some how (for me) spilling all out ur frustrations seems so much easier to yourself, or a pc screen in my case. or lappie. wateva.

My parents once thought I was schizophrenic bcos i was talking 2 myself. But thats why It's the exact opposite. I'm talking to, well, myself! Saying my thoughts out loud.

I can't say that i've posted each and every piece of 'garbage' here. there are sum things I don't. Sum things which most ppl do not know. unless you're one of the few friends i have (or had).

I guess till 2day age still plays an important role in determining maturity. Especially when it comes to comparison. Few ppl have said I am mature, and I really don't think I am, but I'm not immature either.

Maybe its the way I talk. Maybe its the way I act. But maybe maturity is more than that. Maybe I just don't know how to 'act' grown up. Come on, I'm the youngest in this family. But I'm 19! And I can think. I can reason. Sometimes even better than others.

Runaway train by Soul Asylum has been my personal anthem for a looooonnnng time. I never went far in many things, but I've experienced things which others may not have had at my age. I've seen so many things by just revolving around the klang valley while others travel thousands of miles. The goldmine isn't under where I stand, But It is close. As I lose my physical strength and ability through tiredness and fatigue, my mind is still at full force. Controversial, yet practical, logic and mystery exist in my mind at the same time. Most only see one.


Of course I would be more than willing to speak if some1 would hear me. If some1 would call me n say, "hey, u need 2 talk?" U think I won't? Juz because I don't show my true emotions in front of ppl, juz bcos I'm always there if some1 needs to talk, I don't need a friend myself? The doctor falls sick too, fyi.


Could i even blame others? No man would wish for his own unhappiness. But I, too, am a man. Is it wrong for me to be proud of what I have achieved? Or is it right for me to be proud of what I've achieved and others have not? Honestly, those 2 sentences are different. Not in the eyes of some ppl, tho.

"There are many worse off than you"

Time and time again I hear this phrase. I have never rebutted it. I know what it means. you know what it means. But that 'Many others' may not think so! Some of them don't even know what they're thinking! Some of those 'poor souls' may think that we are the poor ones! Perspective, my dear friend, perspective is a very beautiful and powerful thing. Anyway I ddn't say i was the worst off of all human beings. That's just what i'm thought to be saying. Or I would be bragging about what I never had to every1 everyday, when in fact this blog is the most common place, and I don't say everything.

What is keeping me alive? To be frank, I don't really know. How did I become such a good 'actor' to my own feelings but a total ham to others? How do I treat others sincerely when I cant do the same to myself? Weird, huh? But true. Love yourself before loving others. But now it's the other way round.

So, what keeps me up an average of 19 hours a day and still act as if I'm the most contented person on this earth? Some kind of power? Some hidden strength? I don't know what it's called, but I'm sure that one minute part of it is called willpower. and another is called faith. The faith that few have in me, the faith which even I do not possess.

How long will the supply last? i don't know. When is the storm ending? i dunno. and when will day break? i dunno, But it always does, so I'll just have 2 wait. thats all.....



-Drownrat-