So.... What's next??

Christmas is coming. 1st sunday of advent just passed. New beginning? hopefully yes.

Lets be frank, k?

I haven't picked up my pen and put it to paper for more than 2 months. Except if u count my exams, duh. what is there to write? My past few posts have been about me wallowing in self-pity, and i guess this is no different.

Maybe i should go back 2 my old self. U noe, the loud and physical one, maybe i was happier then. When I look at everybody, my family, friends, strangers, etc. Something has changed. But that 'something' revolves around me more than it does on them. I never expected this, when I became a person who barks more than he bites, so maybe i should bite more?


Here's a question for u guys and gals out there.

when u see a person u know has a sudden change in behaviour, e.g. A talkative guy suddenly remains silent most of the time, what do u notice?

The ans. from most ppl: Something's wrong, and if it goes on, something's REALLY wrong.

But why, WHY cant people see whatever is that they just said? The very ppl who said those words above are bound to say:

'he's just being difficult'
'Just some teething problems'
'Surely he's trying to get something'

The fact is, all of the three statements above are very much true. just not in the common perspective.

Think about it. Most suicidal ppl leave a note before they take their lives. But there is usually something in common about all these notes.....

'I cant take it anymore'

'I'm sorry for....'


The meaning of the words 'I cant take it any more' needs no explanation.

what needs explanation is the 'im sorry' part.

This the words of a reluctant person, a person who still blames himself on the account of his death. And most likely, this sentence is present:

'u will be much better of without me'... something im saying in my heart this very instant. I know i can't leave yet, i'm only 19, but this place in which i type all this, is no longer my home. My heart is no longer in this place. It's just my hostel, a place where i return every night just to lay down my head, and be gone the next morning to work and labour. No, i'm not getting suicidal, tho i once was. I told myself, i'll never despise this world of even one human soul, which is significant just because it exists.

The big Q, " do I even exist?' That is what i search for as we head towards the birthday of our lord, who himself is non-existant in most of our hearts. But behold, I an no God. I am but a man, and very few men have lived on in the hearts of those in the present. Maybe i should start an autobiography.....

So... what's next??


Drownrat